The opposite of addiction isn’t recovery; it’s connection

Written by John O’Brien | 4 minute read

“What drug problem? As long as I have drugs, there's no problem!" These were the words a friend of mine used when I saw him after he had just gotten out of prison. I had asked him the question to verify that he was actively protecting himself against temptation. His quip caught me off guard with its casualness. Shortly after, he was back in prison. That was ten years ago, and he isn't even halfway into his current sentence.

This is a tragedy, right? He swore he would rather die than end up incarcerated again. Yet, my friend was strangely bound even before the prison doors closed around him. The majority of his life has been behind bars. How could his story end up like this?

Paradoxically, my friend's sentiment deeply resonated with me. I used to believe those words. The "F its" used to be my script for dealing with life too. Drug and alcohol dependency came to dominate my life, because I, like so many others, had found them to be a powerful solution to my problems. I didn't expect them to become another cause as well.

Space doesn't permit me to describe the experience of addiction. Nor can I devote attention to the various models for explaining it. My focus in this article is the powerful sense of alienation and isolation addictions cause. They erode self-trust, self-efficacy, and self-worth. They require lies and secrecy to develop, and they distance us from loved ones. In the course of this progression, they wreak havoc and leave a trail of destruction in their wake.

The current Covid-19 pandemic is likely a trigger to indulge in self-defeating patterns that are not in alignment with your cherished values, beliefs, and commitments. Because of this discrepancy, addictions generate shame. Shame is a key driver of the addiction cycle and a decisive factor that keeps people paralyzed in fear of discovery, rejection, and ridicule.

I don't know the origin of the quote in the title of this article. What I do know is that I would never have gotten clean from my addictions 20 years ago if I had not been fully known and fully loved by a lot of people. It's been said that:

"To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is one's greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us, and strengthens us for any difficulty life can throw at us."

Is it possible that you are escaping your reality through addictive behaviors? 

What if our deepest issue wasn't that our desires are "too strong but too weak?" The prevalence of attention on the power of vulnerability, empathy, and soft skills right now points to the importance of relationships, interdependence, and connectedness over self-sufficiency. If you're like me, it may seem hard to believe anyone can know you completely and still love you, let alone accept or enjoy you. Fear of being honest about my insecurities and struggles threatened to unravel my sanity. Surprisingly, the narrative I believed about myself was distorted. Due to my autism spectrum disorder and a dozen other diagnoses (useful to identify but demoralizing nonetheless), I have had to continually ground my identity, self-worth, and potential in a different script for my life. Without that transcendent hope, unstoppable love, and the tender friendships I have with so many (read knowing and being known and enjoyed), I would have given up in despair and self-loathing. I would have believed the lie that I am a burden to others, and that the world would be better off without me.

How would your life be different if you believed you were "known to the bottom and loved to the stars?"

 For me, it has given me the courage to attempt the impossible one day, and sometimes one breath, at a time. "Nothing of great value comes without high cost" and persistence. "Victory is sweetest when it is hard-won." I believe our lives can make "a meaningful difference" (to use my current company's wording) to others if we allow our weaknesses to be the stage and billboard for the sufficiency and power of transcendent love. I have found again and again that our "wounds become bridges to other people's broken hearts." Imagine what could happen if we all started knowing, loving, and enjoying each other like this. Just listening to and acknowledging each other's experiences is so comforting and validating. Shared pain is lessened pain, and "addictions born in isolation die in community." How would the world be different if we intentionally know, love, and enjoy others like this?

Let's "start now."