“This one’s personal.”
Written by Jordan Hernandez | 5 minute read
This is me. I'm Jordan Hernandez, the host of Just Start, and today - I want to tell you my story:
I've always had a fascination with artists who “lose themselves” while practicing their art: in a solo, in a character, while conducting an orchestra... anything. There's a moment when the artist loses their consciousness and becomes fully immersed in their art — in that moment, pain slips away, fears are gone, and there is nothing but a momentary feeling of bliss. I chased that feeling for many years, and I felt like it chased me.
In college, I was lucky enough to start performing on stages across New York and its surrounding states. Making people laugh was always an emotional release for me; the greater the laugh, the greater intensity of emotion I felt. But after a few years, it started to wear off. I remember getting laughs at a comedy club in NYC, then getting off stage and feeling — numb. My relationships at the time were going stale. I felt like the very thing I clung to for purpose and identity was slipping away from me.
This all started when I was 19. A family member who struggled with depression and addiction had overdosed. My own mother was asking me “what to do?” And I had a really difficult time with it all. At a time when I was starting to perform and grow in my artistic craft, my family was in a state of absolute chaos. Soon after, my father was diagnosed with cancer, and my long term relationship was imploding. I began developing habits that I was not proud of. During this time, I always felt like I was outside of myself — even when I was around people, I felt distant from them.
This went on through my 20s — until I hit a breaking point.
At 28 years old I had my first panic attack, in line for a Delta flight at the Seattle airport. Honestly, if you have never experienced this before, GOOD! I am genuinely happy for you if that is the case, because it feels like you are dying. I thought I was dying.
Anxiety is irrational, it is unpredictable, and it is flat out mean.
I spent most of my life burying emotions and feelings of inadequacy, and because I never talked about these things to a trusted adult or professional, all that emotion that I’d built up came crashing down around me in that Delta terminal. So I decided to make a change and talk to someone.
Meeting with a professional who is not your mom, not your partner, and not your close friend is a unique experience because they're trying to hear you and help heal you from an objective stance, not an emotional stance.
It's funny, because when you start going to therapy and start making healthy decisions for yourself, you see the people who really care for you step up and those who don’t distance themselves. I learned who really loved me during that season. Heck — I am still in that season!
In the recovery world, they say “PROGRESS over PERFECTION." This inspires me.
Since that day in the Seattle airport, I have had 4 episodes with anxiety.
I have now gone 8 months without a major issue, and I am beginning to feel an overwhelming sense of … calm.
My relationship with my wife is better. My feelings toward my parents are better.
And it all started because I'd had enough of the pain and suffering, and I said, “It's time to JUST START.” So I went and I got help. And my life is changing as a result.
Just Start is about embracing fear, taking on challenges, and sharing our personal success stories.
In a classroom or lecture, I absolutely LOVE when people share their conquering stories… these stories mean everything to me. Why? Because we ALL find ourselves in these stories… we just have to be BRAVE enough to be vulnerable and put ourselves out there to share them.
If you're reading this and you feel like your dad doesn’t respect or love you, if you feel like you are unlovable, if you feel like you are not enough, if you feel like this deep feeling of depression will never go away, then I need to tell you something. And really, I mean REALLY let this sink in —
YOU ARE MORE VALUABLE THAN ANYTHING ELSE ON THIS PLANET.
YOU were created for a purpose. YOU have a potential that can lift you out of a state of despondency, an addiction, an unhealthy relationship.
This potential is BEYOND special. Because you know that deep down, you want it.
You WANT to get better.
You WANT to feel better.
I encourage you to do what I am doing right now. Start thinking and writing about your life: write about the trauma that you've avoided for years, write about the conversation or argument that really bothered you. Write it down!
Because then you can observe it, recognize it, and eventually maybe even talk about it!
And the clinical, medical, and psychological research on writing as a means of healing is astonishing to me. It actually helps!
It is helping me right now.
And I hope that it helps you.
There is a potential so deep inside of you, that it is waiting for you to “Just Start” and take action, so that it can come out. Let that version of you out today, and build a meaningful tomorrow.
Wherever you are, whoever you are, I am thrilled that you are taking your life seriously, and that you want to become the version of yourself you know you can be. That truly inspires me.
Join the #Movement and “Just Start” making steps today — that is all we can ask for. Progress over Perfection.
Share your story with us. Because that story, just like you, is very special to me.
Eternally grateful,
Jordan
